I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize