If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
