Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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