eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
