peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
