Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
