Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
