If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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