he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
