i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
