I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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