I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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