went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
