So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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