You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
