dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
