Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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