someone threw a dead crab at me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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