When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
