Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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