I want to walk on stilts...naked
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
