My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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