dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
