Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my being single is dangerous.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
