I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
