I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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