My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
