Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
