I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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