and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
