Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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