you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
