You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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