I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
