why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
