Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
