Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
