I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
