My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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