and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i will never coherently bang her
smell my finger.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
