On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I want to be your penis for a week.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
