Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
