I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
