He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
