you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
