there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
