then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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