You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
