ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
