Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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