I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
