my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
