Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Four minutes until I can fart!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
