My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
