I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Couch. On fire.
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