just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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