I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
