Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
