Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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