White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
